Wednesday, July 11, 2007

It's Only Love

Wanna know the funny thing? I get on here and read the last line of my unpublished post whilst I listen to Brad's cover of "It's about Time" for the first time. That's a lot of time. Time takes time you know.

You know what is ridiculous? That I yesterday I drove 10 and 1/2 hours just so I could get a fresh image of Brad in my mind's eye and yet I am still not completely open about my feelings with him. I mean, some people know I'm super crazy about him and yet often times I try to convince people that I wouldn't care at all if I never got another hug from him. When I meet an extra nice or cute guy I just happen not mention that I'll always be partially attached to someone else and this new guy will have to be awfully amazing job to get me to stop feeling guilty about liking him. When I talk to his friends and family I absolutely refute the idea that I'm crazy for him.

Why do I do this? I think a great deal has to do with the fact that unrequited love (or not-returned-consistently-in-the-exact-way-I-want-it-love) is very embarrassing for me. I mean, me and Brad have a hard enough time figuring out what the heck is up. Anytime I try to explain our very wonderful yet undefinable friendship I feel very nervous that people will judge my situation to quickly. I either get an, "Oh you guys are meant for each other," or a, "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry, you need to get over him and move on."

Do you wanna know why I start each paragraph off with a question? I don't know. I'm feeling extra cheesy. My point is that I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of this wonderful friendship (though I have every right to be confused). So I'll admit that I love him and think he's wonderful. I listen to his songs just to hear his voice. He's my best friend who knows me better than I expect him to and with whom I always have fun.

That's all I can say. I can't say how he feels for me (I don't think he can properly articulate that anyhow). A big part of why I didn't shout the news when he said he was in love with me was because I knew that in five seconds he'd get confused. I wanted his kissing me and holding hands in church to define something, but I knew it didn't. Right now nothing can be defined.

Don't think I'm a silly girl for letting it be so. If given the choice to pick between being makey-outey with a guy who defines the relationship yet barely cares for me and being best friends with a guy who is horribly confusing and won't let me claim him yet loves me, knows me, and is so deeply concerned with my progression, I will choose to stay here for as long as I need to. Maybe that means waiting till he makes or a decision and maybe it means waiting till I realize that I can't stop the flow of my life.

Right now it doesn't matter though, does it? I really believe I need to be on that mission in a year. For a good long time this Brad thing was a big deterrence from me even going on dates. I don't think that was necessarily best for me, but the point is he's not keeping me from some other guy (that's my job).

A pie in the face of a clock

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